Trust

How do two adults learn to trust one another?
It is our nature to be somewhat guarded, especially when we have something worth guarding.
What is it that eventually allows two people to trust each other? In the lightest sense to just become friends and in a heavier sense entrusting someone with something that is very dear to us - a relative, a co-workers, a partner or an employer.

A. G. Koepcke states:

"Why do we trust people we perceive to be similar to ourselves? Surprisingly, the answers are simple. Trust between people is based on the perception that efforts between the parties will be reciprocated, reactions will be predictable, and members of the organization will least likely be faced with situations in which they are unprepared. The desire for security is a key motivator in developing trusting relationships in an organization.
Persuasion is how we are influenced to trust based on our environment and life experiences. The persuasion to trust a person can be brought about by our peers, our needs, and the availability of opportunities which support our way of life. Persuasion motivates us to accept and trust people, ideas, principles, faiths, and respect authority.
According to Robert Cialdini(1), there are six characteristics of human nature which come into play to bring forth a favorable response in persuasion. These are “reciprocation, consistency, social validation, liking, authority, and scarcity.” These elements will either positively or negatively influence a person to make a decision about trusting someone they have just met, and understanding the effects of persuasion can improve relationships within an organization.
Someone who has not gained our trust may seem like a wild card, and when gaging the successful outcome we hope the deck is stacked in our favor. This fear of failure allows us to justify exclusions within the workplace, even if we know the exclusions are unfair or wrong. If we have to share responsibility for the outcome of a project, we want to give ourselves every advantage possible."

Extra ordinary people

There are few things that stand the test of time.
True love, natural intelligence, reverence, humility, grace, optimism, kindness and sympathy.

A person that embodies these things and allows them to manifest is truly rendered an exceptional human being. Their greatness may not be recorded in history books but their “extra”-ordinary presence is felt by all they encounter.

When you come across one these people you know it. They are usually smiling! We are drawn to them. They offer us an alternative model. We can go about our daily lives in the manner we are used to, or we can learn from them. They taught me that smiles are contagious. This holds true in any social setting. Try it. The next time your in a meeting or just having a casual conversation with someone inject a few glowing smiles. You'll be surprised at what happens.

According to an article from the Publication: Communication Reports
The effect of smiling on helping behavior: smiling and good samaritan behavior.

"The positive effect of smiling on interpersonal attraction and perception is well established in the psychosocial literature. Adding a smile to the photograph of a face leads to more favorable perception of the target, and this effect was found on multiple personality dimensions. Lau (1982) reports finding that when smiling, a target was perceived to be more intelligent than the same, nonsmiling, target. Otta, Pereira, Delavati, Pimentel and Pires (1993) report that they found that a smiling person receives more positive scores on the dimensions of leadership, optimism, sincerity, and kindness. A smile also enhances helping behavior toward the smiling person. Tidd and Lockard (1978) report that patrons in a bar give significantly larger tips to a waitress who approached them with a broad smile than to one with a minimal smile. In a similar vein, Solomon et al. (1981) report that a smiling confederate in a large department store receives more help than a nonsmiling one.

The effect of smiling on helping behavior is well established, but the factors that explain this effect still remain in question. One possible explanation is that a positive perception of the solicitor, mediated by his/her smile, could predispose the subject to comply with his/her request. Research connecting perception of the solicitor with helping behavior has found that positive perceptions of the solicitor increases helping behavior (Takemura, (1993). For Tidd and Lockard (1978), who have found that a smile by a waitress enhanced her tips, the result was explained in terms of reciprocal altruism. Patrons gave the waitress larger tips to reciprocate the better service of the waitress. For Solomon et al. (1981), the effect of smiling is explained in terms of anonymity. When a stranger smiles at the subject, he/she becomes identifiable and thus is more likely to receive help than is a control subject who did not smile and thus is more anonymous."

Interesting!

Psychology’s Dale Jorgenson has done some fascinating work in this field.
He states:
"smiling at others may benefit the smiler in that, when you smile at people, they are more likely to smile at you. The more often this happens, the better the mood of the smiler."

A smile is also a universally understood language.

According to Jorgenson
"Facial expressions, throughout history, have been one of our primary means of communication of our feelings about other people. The fact we recognize facial expressions almost universally as implying certain things offers evidence about how useful they are,” he said. “We are happy to see somebody smile but our interest fundamentally is in knowing whether they are happy with us. As long as we have to make decisions about whether people are friends or foes, we need a way to do it quickly and easily and from a distance. Facial expressions represent a quick and simple way of knowing these things.”

Talking out of both sides of your mouth.

I've spent many years of my life perfecting my radar for detecting when someone is talking out of both sides of their mouth. To be clear I am referring to the phenomenon of saying different things to different people about the same subject.
To my amusement I have gotten better at this. In fact I have found that quite a few of us do this without even knowing we are doing it. This of course might be characterized as a different phenomenon but sharing similar results.
Being caught in the middle of 180 degree dialog can inflict a nasty wound on the unsuspecting. I think we all have been bruised a few times. I'm not talking about light conversation with grandma over a bowl of lentils. I'm talking about high stakes engagements whether personal or business.

What I learned here is to examine the playing field a bit more before fully engaging. Navigate through the players and their strengths in your head. What is their position and what position are they vying for? What are the relationships between the players and how strong are those bonds? Is there room for growth or improvement? I don't mean to sound paranoid but I am. I for one have learned to not digest a first impression entirely. It needs to be chewed a few hundred times into reflection-cud. I've always leaned heavily on my ability to read people but I've learned that reading takes some time. You might have to turn the end table light on and sit up a little more in your chair. The old reading glasses you've been using for quite some time might need to be cleaned and the prescription checked.

Is wasted time really wasted?

A friend of mine is struggling with where he is at in his life. 40 years have gone by with him not having much to show for it in the form of possessions, relationships, career etc. I was a witness to some of these years and in some cases an accomplice. He traveled the country living here and there. He picked up odd jobs and met odd and interesting people. In a sense he was our circles Moriarty.

Nowadays I feel its my job to try to keep him above water and other substances. He loves fishing and I've used the analogy a few times that its "not the fish, but the fishing". This seems to register with him and so i ponder the question here; is it the fishing?

We ran with many dudes that seemed to 'get it done' - in the form of education, career, relationships and failed relationships - a lot quicker than he, and even I did. When he gets stuck in this mindset I remind him that they never had the life experiences he did. Yea, they 'got it done' and they have a heck of a lot to show for it now, but what did they 'see' outside of the dorm room and board room?

I am pretty sure that the emptiness felt by having nothing can only be quieted temporarily by this type of pondering. I remind him that one good decision in succession with another can lead to life altering change. We all have heard that timing is everything in life but i would add that timing is everything only if we have put in the 'time' to prepare ourselves for when the 'timing' is right. So can one have it both ways? Can a person live essentially like a gypsy for 40 years and not expect to some day have a sense of emptiness?

I think that small changes can lead to bigger ones and I think that ultimately my friend needs to focus a little more on the fish now but not lose sight of everything he's learned while fishing.

I wonder what the fish thinks?